Lessons from My Parents

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(Author's note: Admittedly this is going to be an extremely personal issue. I'm not writing specifically about business topics. However, if you stick with it, you may find some ideas in it that will be of value to you as continue to provide leadership and management within your organization and for your customers.)

I'm 46 years old, but recently I cried like a baby. Deep, heaving sobs that I couldn't control at all. This went on for thirteen days: the last eight days of my dad's life and the five days leading up to his funeral. I knew he was very sick from Dementia with Lewey Bodies. He spent most of his adult life at well over 200 pounds. On the day he died he was down to 110 pounds. This powerful, muscular man with the easy smile and constant teasing had been robbed of his mind and muscles. He didn't know my name for the last six months of his life.

I was on my way back to St. Louis on a Wednesday from a seminar I gave in Florida when my wife left a message that my mom had called and said to come straight to her condominium. She didn't think Dad would make it through the night. I spent that night and most of the next seven days by my dad's side. I kissed his hands and his forehead over and over and over again. I told him dozens of times, "Dad, I love you, thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for what you taught me. I'm going to do my best to always follow your advice." On that Wednesday night, Dad managed to say, "...love you too."

Along with my five brothers and sisters and my mom, I was at Dad's bedside when he took his last breath. I held his hand for the last time, then I put it on his chest, and kissed his forehead one last time and said, "Dad, thank you. I love you very much. And I'm very, very proud of you." He had said that to me literally hundreds of times during my lifetime.

The day after he died we began to plan his funeral. I wanted to say a few things at the Eulogy. So did one of my sisters and one of my brothers. The person in charge of the funeral said to keep our remarks very brief. I asked, "How brief do you mean?" He said, "One minute." I said, "I'll keep it brief, but that's impossible. I will be done in two and a half minutes." He said, "Fine." Then it hit me. How in the world do I summarize my thoughts about Dad in two and a half minutes? I spent the next four days honing my thoughts and practicing them over and over.

For many people the death of a parent is a defining moment in their lives. For me, it was a profoundly reinforcing moment. It reinforced who I am, who I want to be, and why I am this way.

In bold is the Eulogy I gave for my dad. Following those comments are some additional thoughts I have.

Dad was absolutely the best man I've ever known. He was always an absolute gentleman. I never once saw Dad say or do a rude or mean thing to another person. He was always a gentleman.

During my business career, I've met many talented and successful people. However, I still get instantly turned off by rudeness. I get nauseated by people who swear and talk dirty in a crowded room or who think it's funny to demean another person in front of others. Several times I've walked away from an otherwise potentially good relationship because I just couldn't stand being around someone who I thought was being extremely rude to other people.

Dad was absolutely committed to his family. He did have that side job at Laclede Gas Company for 44 years, but his main job for 53 years was helping to raise the six of us kids. And he and Mom did an amazing job as parents. They gave everything they had, their time, their talent, their energy, and their resources, to help each of us do as well as we could at whatever we were doing at any given moment.

Dad's life work was being a dad. I never saw him read a book or Fortune magazine or the Wall Street Journal. He didn't play golf between the ages of 43 and 63. He and Mom basically focused all of their attention on doing the best they could to raise the six of us kids. Recently I read two great books called, "Outliers: The Story of Success" by Malcolm Gladwell and "Talent is Overrated" by Geoff Colvin. They both talked about the importance of the 10,000-Hour Rule that they learned from Anders Ericsson. Essentially, they found that it takes 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to become truly world class at any activity. I would say my parents poured in something like 20,000 hours of deliberate practice as parents. In the area that my parents wanted to be successful I would say they were and are truly world class.

Dad was absolutely the humblest man I've ever known. He never once bragged about his own achievements. He always gave the credit to other people. When one of the six of us kids achieved something he would always give us all of the credit as though somehow we could achieve things without his influence. That is not what happened. The reason we were able to achieve things was because of Dad's influence and because of Mom's influence. So in reality all of the credit for anything that the six of us have ever achieved goes to Dad and goes to Mom.

Jim Collins wrote about this type of leadership in his book, "Good to Great". He called it Level 5 Leadership. The key attribute of a Level 5 Leader is humility, which means the person puts the good of the organization ahead of his or her own good and gives the credit for the success of the organization to the people in the organization and not to himself or herself. By this definition, my parents are like Level 7 Leaders. They influenced us, but then they gave us all the credit when things were achieved.

Dad and Mom are the two greatest teachers I've ever had. They didn't teach us academic stuff. They taught us values. They taught us how to behave and how to think for ourselves. The things that I'm most appreciative to Dad for and the things that I'm most appreciative to Mom for are the values they instilled inside of us because now no matter what happens in the future I know that I can always turn back to these values to help guide me to make the right decisions.

This was the key thing that was reinforced for me when my dad died. His legacy was not in the money he left behind or the material gifts he gave to us. His legacy was in the invisible, the intangible things he left behind. He left behind a set of values that guide me moment by moment. After I gave my Eulogy I started thinking about the values I received from my parents. I made a list of them and here they are.

Values I learned from Dad and Mom:

• Sacrifice is a good thing.
• Good things come to those who wait.
• Be committed to your family and always be completely faithful.
• Be a gentleman at all times, and don't ever say or do a mean or rude thing to another person.
• Focus on helping other people achieve their goals.
• Dream and pursue your dreams.
• Don't brag about what you've done or achieved, brag about what other people have achieved.
• Be attentive, present, and actively involved in the life of each family member.
• Get as good an education as you can and always work to become better educated.
• Be a teacher and a role model of values that people can gain value from.
• Be plain and real so people can be comfortable around you.
• Have a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
• Don't ever try to impress other people with money or with what money can buy.
• Say "I love you" a lot and mean it.
• Never forget you're a Coughlin.
• Write handwritten personal letters as often as possible.
• Never act like you have all the answers.
• Sit down and enjoy a one-to-one conversation.
• Stay with one thing at a time.
• Be creative and pragmatic.
• Remember you're as good as anyone else, but you're no better than anyone else.
• Stay true to yourself, and don't let someone else dictate the way you behave.
• Always be a good steward of the resources you have available to you.
• Volunteer to help others, but not to the point it keeps you from being with your family.
• Always maintain a strong relationship with God.
• Get up and go to work every day.
• Discipline your kids, hug them every day, and let them know when you're proud of them.
• Never swear or say a cuss word.

This was the profoundly reinforcing part of my dad's passing away. In being with him for those last eight days of his life, in preparing for his funeral and reflecting on his impact on me, and in writing down the values I learned from him and from Mom, I found there was a life's roadmap laid out for me. What I need to do is to be disciplined and stay on that path.

The only thing I'm not absolutely sure about is I'm not absolutely certain that Dad ever realized how truly great he was as a man, how truly remarkable he was as a human being. So I just want to close by saying...

DAD, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN, AND I AM VERY, VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU.

I meant what I said that day. In terms of being a man, a dad, a teacher of values, a person who succeeded in the area that he wanted to succeed in, Dad was absolutely the greatest man I've ever known. I have his picture by my desk here, I look into his eyes often, I listen to what he has to say, and I try my best to follow his advice.

Take care,

Dan Coughlin

Republishing Articles

Each month my e-newsletter gets republished in approximately 20 blogs, on-line publications, and internal publications for businesses, universities, and not-for-profit organizations. If you would like to republish all or part of my monthly articles, please send me an e-mail at dan@thecoughlincompany.com with "Republishing Article" in the subject heading. I will send you the article in a word document. All I ask is that you include my name as the author of the article and a short paragraph at the end of the article about me with a link to my website.

Take care and have a great month!

Dan Coughlin

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